Why You Don’t Trust Yourself
(And What To Do About It)
A few years ago, I had a client; let’s call him Daniel. A lad who looked like he had it all figured out from the outside. He was driven, articulate, and always “on.” But behind the scenes, he was exhausted and frustrated. Every week, he’d tell me about the promises he made to himself: “I’ll finally get consistent with training,” or “I’ll make space for my family this weekend,” or “I’ll stop overloading my plate.” And every week, those promises would break down. This resulted in a steady erosion of self-trust. He didn’t feel lazy, but he felt misaligned; and that quiet sense of betrayal, over time, cut deeper than he realised.
Here’s the truth: most of us don’t consciously think, “I don’t trust myself.”
But when you say yes to commitments you don’t have the bandwidth for, when you keep pushing deadlines you set for yourself, or when you abandon the habits that matter most, you slowly weaken the bond between intention and action.
That’s where self-doubt seeps in. And it’s that doubt; not the pressure of your external world that often does the most damage.
So let’s unpack how self-trust erodes, why it matters, and how you can start rebuilding it.
How We Quietly Erode Self-Trust
Overcommitting
High performers are notorious for this. We load up our calendars, take on too many projects, and say yes when we should say no. At first, it feels exciting; it’s a rush to take on more. But underneath, it’s a setup. Because inevitably, something slips, and when it does, we quietly reinforce a message: “I can’t follow through.” Research in performance psychology has consistently shown that chronic overcommitment contributes to stress and impaired performance (Gould & Udry, 1994).Underdelivering. Especially to ourselves
When we underdeliver to others, we feel guilty. When we underdeliver to ourselves, we feel ashamed. It’s often easier to let ourselves down than to risk disappointing someone else, but that choice eats away at integrity. Studies in elite sport highlight that consistency in keeping self-generated commitments is directly tied to confidence and resilience (Hays, Thomas, Maynard, & Bawden, 2009).Living in misalignment
Even without overcommitting, you can erode trust simply by operating out of alignment with your values. For example, when health, family, or creativity truly matter to you but your daily actions don’t reflect that, the gap becomes painful. Over time, this incongruence leads to what sport psychologists call “self-discrepancy stress”; the psychological tension that occurs when actions don’t match identity (Stambulova et al., 2009).
The bottom line: self-trust erodes less from a single failure and more from the repeated micro-betrayals we make against ourselves. And I’ve been there - I’ve experienced it all.
Why Rebuilding Self-Trust Matters
Without trust in yourself, everything feels heavier. Decision-making gets clouded by second-guessing. Risks feel scarier because you’re unsure if you’ll follow through. Even rest feels undeserved because the voice in your head keeps saying, “You should have done more.” In elite performance settings, this lack of self-trust is linked to burnout, impaired confidence, and even early dropout (Gustafsson, Kenttä, & Hassmén, 2011).
But here’s the good news: self-trust, like fitness, can be rebuilt. It’s not about grand gestures or perfection. It’s about creating small, deliberate wins that signal to yourself: “I can count on me.”
Three Steps to Rebuild Self-Trust
1. Clarity: Know What Actually Matters
Self-trust begins with knowing where to place it. Too often, we lose trust because we’re making promises that don’t truly align with what we value. Get brutally clear: What are the 3-5 things that matter most right now? What would a successful week look like if you stripped away the noise?
Clarity isn’t about perfection; it’s about direction. When Olympic athletes undergo performance profiling, they identify core priorities that become non-negotiables. Non-negotiables to enhance their performance while maintaining a positive psychological balance. Everything else becomes secondary (Orlick & Partington, 1988). For you, it might mean health, presence with family, and one key professional project. Once you know the essentials, you stop scattering your trust across commitments that don’t matter.
2. Micro-Actions: Make the Wins Small (Ridiculously Small)
One of the fastest ways to erode trust is by overreaching. You commit to a 5 a.m. workout every day, or writing 1,000 words daily, and when you inevitably slip, the self-trust spiral continues. Instead, shrink the promise until success is nearly inevitable. Walk for 10 minutes. Write for 5. Send one important email.
James Clear (2018) calls this the “atomic habit” principle: small wins compound. In performance coaching, this approach builds momentum without overwhelming the system. More importantly, each micro-action is a message: “I said I’d do it, and I did.” That’s the seed of rebuilt trust.
3. Integrity: Keep Your Word to Yourself First
This is the hardest shift. Many of us are conditioned to keep commitments to others while quietly betraying ourselves. But elite performers know that self-integrity is the foundation of external performance. When you keep promises to yourself. Even the smallest ones; you strengthen identity. You begin to believe, “If I say it, I’ll do it.”
Research in coaching psychology emphasizes that consistent alignment between words and actions is a critical predictor of long-term well-being and sustained achievement (Passmore & Lai, 2020). So here’s the challenge: make one promise to yourself today, and protect it with the same intensity you’d protect a commitment to your boss, coach, or team.
The Path Forward
Rebuilding self-trust doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a dramatic turnaround; it’s a steady stacking of small wins until the voice inside you changes from “I don’t know if I can count on me” to “I’ve proven I can.” For Daniel, that shift didn’t happen in a week. It happened over months of micro-actions, ruthless clarity, and recommitting to his own integrity. But when it clicked, everything changed; his confidence, his energy, and his sense of alignment.
And it can change for you too!
Still Spoofing?
If you’re ready to rebuild self-trust, if you’re done overcommitting and underdelivering, if you’re ready to align your actions with what matters most; join the September cohort of the Alignment Accelerator. Together, we’ll do the work of clarity, micro-actions, and integrity; so you can finally trust yourself again.
References
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits: An easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones. Avery.
Gould, D., & Udry, E. (1994). Psychological skills for enhancing performance: Arousal regulation strategies. Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise, 26(4), 478–485.
Gustafsson, H., Kenttä, G., & Hassmén, P. (2011). Athlete burnout: An integrated model and future research directions. International Review of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 4(1), 3–24.
Hays, K., Thomas, O., Maynard, I., & Bawden, M. (2009). The role of confidence in world-class sport performance. Journal of Sports Sciences, 27(11), 1185–1199.
Orlick, T., & Partington, J. (1988). Mental links to excellence. The Sport Psychologist, 2(2), 105–130.
Passmore, J., & Lai, Y. L. (2020). Coaching psychology: Exploring definitions and research contribution to practice. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 587.
Stambulova, N., Alfermann, D., Statler, T., & Côté, J. (2009). ISSP position stand: Career development and transitions of athletes. International Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 7(4), 395–412.